not enough with just being an easy person, i tried my best to comfort others. then i realized, i got hurt more. looking back at those times that i stand by her side hoping that she could be the one that called friend for me. i did lots of things that crushed my own pride for her. i am not asking for more, i just hoping that she can be there when i am sad and listen to my problems. that is okay if she cant do anything. she can just listen to me and help me take off just a little burden on my shoulder.
these few days make me thinks about tons of few things. i soothed her when shes in her own world. pulling her back here where she should be instead of get drowned by her own thought. i helped her. me. the strong me that would not get swayed just because other tried to push me away before. but right now, i became a weak person because of her.
at first, i was very comfortable being with her because i thought that i finally meet someone that know my feeling and understand me here. she did. i even open up to her. i told her everything that i never told anyone else here. i told her my secrets and she told me hers.
but being beside her, make me feel really small. i never did before. but i am now. shes got everything that she want in her life but she still did not realize that. how lucky she is. not like me. even if i did something. no one will recognize that. she smiled. everyone looked up to her. that is okay. that is hers. i should felt glad for her. i did. i really did. when others looked up at her i just smiled and happy for her and hoping that my life will became like that one day. and i smiled.
she know about what i felt right now. i told her few days ago. she does comfort me with few short words not like how i did when shes like that. that is okay. maybe shes not good at words. but she ignored me. she read my messages and ignored it. she should not because she knew that i am not feeling too good that day. i told her. i just hate her for being too selfish that day. she should never left me behind. she know i am not okay.
i held back and said that is okay. you are not that close to her actually. you just got some few same interest together. that is what make you and her stayed together these few months. you are the one that open up too fast and told everything to her. that is okay. it is not her fault.
and last night...
i cried.
alone.
thinking how stupid i am for opening up to fast.
for being an idiot that so full of herself.
for being too confident.
for being an easy girl.
for being weak.
for being me.
me.
me.
me.
me.
and things got awkward between us. i cant see her face anymore because it makes me remember that day. i avoided her. i do not know if she notices that. i just can not walked beside her. i can not talked like i always did to her. and things just got more awkward.....
i should never open up that easy...
かまわないんでください